I read this today and I am nearly speachless.

I am going to try to put into words what is going on in my head.

Thankyou for sharing this stuff with us.

I haven't posted here but I've been here the whole time. What you have shared here about how you feel about what they made you do has helped me find understanding in my heart for my abusers. I know the situation is not the same but when I was little I was abused by teenager boys who were themselves being abused. Now no one 'made' them do it like in your case. But had they not been abused themselves I do not feel that they would have done the stuff to me that they did. I forgave them a long time ago.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm messed up because of what they did. It just means that I do not hold them responsible for their actions.

I have never felt that I could blame them for what they did to me because it wasn't their fault. The blame lies with the older men that started the abuse. The grown ups. You were not a grown up then - you were little Jeff. I'm am sure that those kids know that it was not your fault either and that they do not blame you. I'm sure that they blame the sick adults that abused all of you.

I know it is hard (we can be our own worst critic sometimes) but please don't be so hard on yourself.

More than meets the eye!