No your correct, you didn't misunderstand anything, I just don't see that kid. It was me that did that shit and I still see me as that hustler and not anyone else. I just don't see that little jeff.
e are so similar. I'm absolutely no better than any other hustler, Jeff. And in fact I was stupider (is that a word?). I proffered myself to someone for a price as surely as you did. The currency of our trade was different, but we knew the value of our wares and what they could bring us. We knew the value of our bodies and the weaknesses of those who desired them, and manipulated that to our ends (figuratively speaking). I may have peddled my butt to the guy next door for the price of my baby sister (and interjected myself for some other girls as well), but I was 13. What the fuck did I know? If he offered ice cream, I probably would have done it for that, too. When he whined and pleaded, I'd be comliant just so he'd stop being so pitiful. How cheap is THAT? No wonder I have no business sense. I was probably a cheaper slut than I would care to pretend otherwise. As one guy put it in the ASA forum - it wasn't violent rape where I had no choice, but instead was "getting felt up for a Popsicle" in it's fundamental essence. That implies complicity, and I guess we own that.B
ut I don't mean to hijack this and I only mention my experience to illustrate a point. It comes back to you
. I'm no expert. But I can relate. And - like you should be consider doing - I've forgiven myself because, hey, I was just a fucking kid. I didn't know the value of ANYTHING. I didn't know the worth of what I was trading myself for (not much, since he got to her a lot anyways as she told me almost a year ago). And I didn't know the value of what I was selling, either. My sexual identity was worth a lot more than I could possibly have imagined at 13. It's like selling a stamp collection for ten bucks - thinking that was huge - then finding out it was worth ten thousand
. Sometimes life just isn't long enough to recoup that kind of loss. It was enough to enter my adulthood just carrying the lament. So I have tried to leave the guilt at the door.