Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn - we've never spoken before and this is rather an odd "hello".
But all throughout this thread you've been talking about your "responsibility," that it wasn't some younger alternate but still you as you are today. The emotional continuity, makes sense.
Feeling "responsible", though? Because you "didn't say no"?
Jeff, you were tortured. Really literally dictionary-picture-level tortured. You mentioned several such grisly incidents and it only takes one to "count." That's the sort of thing that destroys the ability to resist - leaving only a life or death choice, which is no choice at all. I'd humbly suggest that be a frame around feelings of responsibility / not leaving.
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS - VIOLENCE / DEATH
In Auschwitz and its related death camps, some men of a certain age and size would be recruited for "pusher duty." Pulled out of the line to the gas chamber and told to wait by a metal cart. Soon the bodies of their entire families, all their relatives, children, all of their neighbors and friends, every other person from their hometown, would be brought to them and they would have to push the bodies on the cart into the oven intakes. Or be shot then and there and the next guy of the right size would push. But as a rule, no shootings were necessary. People in that situation did what they had to do for the sake of their own pulse - all they had left, the one thing they could cling to and so cling they did as everything else literally went up in smoke. This process is followed in nothing-to-imagine detail in the film "The Grey Zone," which makes Schindlers List look like Strawberry Shortcake.
What is responsibility when you are tortured? When you will plainly be killed, when you have met your willing murderer and his capable murder weapon?
If someone's just gonna gas and cremate an entire village, there's gotta be a cart pusher. If someone's just gotta film pedo porn, there's gotta be a kid. And if they say no they will be shot and replaced by someone who didn't.
You were right to value your life, Jeff. At any age. And though we dont know each other, I've read your posts, read of your family, and the preposterous odds against you getting this far in life. And I'm glad you're alive. And I'd high-five / man-hug the person *responsible* for that.
Edited by SoccerStar (12/02/12 08:48 AM)
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny