Christmas stuff's been showing up everywhere now that Thanksgiving and Rememberance Day are over and fall's winding down, and last night the first substantial snowfall really completed the picture of the season. This is time of year's hard on me because of a long history with Christmas and family problems. All the colourful lights, the beautiful displays in the shop windows, everything in the media, the snow on the ground and cold in the air are a pretty image but it's only an image, that hides what really goes on behind closed doors.

For me, it's a very painful reminder of some of the things that happened so I'm usually pretty good about avoiding the really painful reminders but I work shift work so I'm stuck at work right now and I can't leave. There's a Christmas special being recorded in the big open area a few floors below with a small band, a choir, and someone playing a grand piano with an audience singing along. It's really evoking memories of one of the worst Christmas seasons I ever went through back in high school when the situation with my family was hitting rock bottom for many reasons. I got stuck in between my parents who were demanding that I buy gifts I couldn't afford for everyone even though they knew I had no money and the guy who abused me at my summer job who was offering me money to come back over the Christmas break. I made the decision and sold myself for $20 that he said he didn't think I was worth once we'd finished up to buy gifts that my parents and grandparents exploded over because the gifts weren't good enough.

Someone just called me for help with something and I made up a weak excuse why I couldn't right now when the truth is, I don't want to be seen having just been in tears. The whole Christmas season's an inescapable reminder of how it got to the point of me choosing to go back to prostitution (I'm finally being honest about what that summer job really was) than face the consequences from my parents and it hurts. I recognize now that decision was lifechanging because ever since even now, the thought "there are men that'll pay to have sex with me" comes to mind right away whenever money's tight almost like once you're a prostitue, you're always a prostitue no matter how hard you try to avoid it. That concert downstairs is a very painful reminder and I can't leave and go somewhere else to avoid it and the feelings it's bringing up because I'm supposed to be working but I'm not getting much done. I wish it was January already so it'd be over for another year.