I can relate to your posts. What a relief it has been to find Male Survivor and these message boards! I've spend decades filled with shame around my SSA. Through years of therapy, I began to understand on some level that my SSA had to do with being sexually abused by an older brother. I acted out my abuse or should say "reenacted" my abuse and continued to return to the scene of the crime by having compulsive anonymous sex with older men for many years. It is a relief to be able to say this all and feel understood and not judged. I am married and truly feel that I am heterosexual by nature. Most people (gay and straight) would just laugh me and tell me I was in denial. This is the first place that I am able to feel comfortable being myself and not feel judged. Thank you all.
"Take me down
You can hold me
But you can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I Will Not Be Broken" (Bonnie Raitt)

WoR Guest House 2013