Asked by friend why I'm not posting much lately some original posts but rather just giving support and exchanging experience with others here I've been trying to make one post about issue that bothers me for some time. I even started to write it on couple of occasions but always I've left it unfinished and went off line before I've been tempted to post it. It is difficult situations that couples of my friends are caught in and still Iím not ready to share it. But while I was thinking on all this I decided to post some kind of progress report about things that I've discovered since I came here, maybe some of you will like to add own words/experience also, I know that we have Progress Forum
offered but there is no possibility to make comments there, so please feel free to write whatever you like here.
When I look for more than one year
since I've been here and trying to work on my healing I can conclude that I reached a lot, I can't complain. One year ago I was totally confused (I'm still more or less occasionally the same), my life seems more like some wild beast with many secret sides that were shown from time to time. Now I have started therapy and did some progress, Iím discovering demons and problems that occasionally drive my life, I've been trying to be connected to myself as long and as often as possible. I learned a lot about sexuality and confusion. I've read couple of books about survivors. I've been attending Healing circle for European time zone on couple of occasions (it was tremendous experience and I can recommend it to everyone who has no opportunity for attending survivors group). I talked with couple of friends about my past, I talked to my brother about things that we started to do as kids and which lasted till our college years.
I've been dating one wonderful girl and I'm near to completely fall in love (this is real miracle
There were some not so bright moments too in last year too. I learned that I've been hyper sexual at one side (masturbating sometimes for hours and even days and watching porn) and at other side I've been frozen in real terms related to intimacy and sex so no one ever could reach me (sexual things mean danger and I can't be relaxed nor enjoy it).
I've learned that I have remembered some negative feelings as very traumatic meaning that I can't hold it when sense it, I'm than in search for escaping my reality in world of porn or my thoughts about sex. I've been read a lot about it, for example in this article
. Those feelings are the most connected to abandonment, feeling like being completely alone and left by others, being anxious and like waiting for some upcoming disaster, being helpless while some terrible things are happening to me or my friends and so on (my list of negative feelings that I can't hold is still process in making).
I learned a lot about giving support to others including being sportive and carrying friend to other survivors. In my journey my path has crossed with couple of buddies which were abused by some monsters for years trough ring of people who could be called pedophiles, some were psychopaths because of severity of violence and torture they are doing to trapped victims. I was brought near my limits on couple of occasions because some things are happening even now.
But let's stay positive and full of hope.
Here I meet a lot of interesting people from all of the world, some were travelers from past and distance places, some were like phoenix born from ash many times, Iíve learned a lot about Shingles
, I learned a lot about other parts of the world like South Africa or Iran, I learned that gecko can be crazy
, I learned that some of you have other personalities kept inside (I've felt honored that you were brave to show it and talk about it) and many many many moreÖ
If you are in some trouble, if you are lost in some thoughts, please donít be scared!
Everything will be alright.
Sending hugs to all of you.