Be kind to yourself.
The abuse messed me up in many ways.
Not being able to experience and develop my own sexuality on my own schedule and my own terms is just one of those ways.
I also got very phobic messages about sexuality from my parents that screwed me up and made me fearful of my own impulses and gave me rigid ideas about dating, female sexuality, etc.
We all have our paths since those times, and ways we have expressed and repressed ourselves sexually.
For me, it's about honesty and intimacy and unplugging from some of the sexual triggers so I can honestly feel and explore my sexuality WITHOUT the old habits or acting being sexual.
Truth telling is healing. And often I don't have the words to understand some difficult things. The term "SSA" is more useful to me than "gay", and I accept that most males fall on a broad spectrum of sexual experiences, fantasies, relationships, habits, and behaviors.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know what I am anymore.
Part of this journey is learning more about ourselves and feeling some very uncomfortable feelings. For me, it is a road of deepening intimacy: knowing myself, my soul, my wounds, my abilities, past, and desires.
Please don't judge yourself too harshly: untangling the effects of abuse and discovering who are despite/because/regardless of what happened takes time.
And no matter what, you are loved.