you put so much on yourself, its ok its not your fault there is so much you have to learn.
WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE? you say of the urges and you are right. You will never really know. But its no different than the college star injured b4 making the pro's , how good would he have been? He becomes a great coach instead. Is that a loss? The kid blinded in a car accident , never reaching his true potential as an artist yet finding his true talent as a musician.
You are right , none of us will ever know but it doesn't really matter, there is no going back. Lamenting the 'why' didn't you tell is so hard on yourself when he made you keep secrets. Its so easy to look back and judge yourself, but you were a little boy in fear.
Its funny, i remember stuff like that class. Midway through my marriage , i even bought a video on how to please your wife, i didn't understand how i couldn't "get with the program". I didn't "get it" either. But it so different now.
You WILL find peace not through god, or T or self loathing or nights crying alone silently. But through all of it, hard work, finding a place to just ACCEPT your feelings honestly. And then just being as honest with those you love about who you truly are. Cuz if they truly love you, they WILL accept you no matter what the outcome. If they don't, they never truly loved you and knowing that is more valuable in the here and now than hurting yourself by trying to re-live a past that is forever gone.
But you have to accept you first. The reason is irrelevant, and no one, not one person can ever know. So don't feel like you have to wear this as a badge of shame. There is no shame in being you. You are not alone.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011