Hello NotSoHappy,
welcome to MaleSurvivor!
I'm sorry to hear that you've had some issues and problems because of abuse.
Please be aware that you are not alone. Many of us have some problems relating to sharing intimacy...
Please don't be scared and try to calm yourself. Many survivors are occasionally doing some things in compulsive manner and like against themselves, it could be way of coping with stressful situations and emotions.
Here is great article that has explained it, you could take some time and read it, there is even some homework smile
There are a lot stories written here abut similar issues, I hope it will be helpful for you.
Please share with us more, you are not alone!

My story