Hello my friends,

I'm terrified. I want to address this issue in my recovery within the last year and a half of my realisation that I was raped multiple times and I was a victim of online predators and child pornography.

I think I might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My feelings of triggers and flashbacks are interwined with confused and terrified sexual arousal. Often, I will get an urge to masturbate or it will happen during masturbation, where I will inflect my current stress, depression, and guilt and take on a form of self-harming through exposing myself to triggering materials.

My body reacts to the abuse still as it did then as a teen... with arousal. When the triggers are activated, I spend hours at a time masturbating, seeking to relive "enjoyable" abuse where I have no control over my body. Because one becomes so entrenched, and as a kid it is the only form of sexual interactment one has, the brain interprets the cyber abuse as REAL. And when I was raped in person, my body reacted how it thought it "should".

These masturbation sessions take two forms: Sometimes it is reading erotic literature with themes of the abuse I went through as a teen, or other times it plays out in chat rooms where I engage in the same role play scenarios as the victim being abused by some man. It frightens me, and I feel light-headed, nauseous, angry, and aimless.... sometimes, I suddenly tell the man on the otherside to fuck off or call him a pervert and leave.

When I am masturbating, I fall into a dreamlike state, loose track of time, burst into cold sweats, forgetting my normal thought processes. I become the victim all over again. My soul numbs. I violently masturbate without lubrication and against hard fabrics, leaving my genitals in such pain, sometimes tearing tissue or irritating my urethra for days. After several hours, my aching frenulum is stimulated to organism, however this is just a painful ejaculation. It hurts so much physically, mirroring the emotional hurt. But my emotions are so deep and compacted in each other that I cannot cry, gasp, or make a sound. There are just overwhemling feelings of panic, emptiness, guilt, and disgust.

I become the victim again, and allow myself to be a boy whose worth is only as someone else's sexual object. I am not in control of my body: my hand is their hand, and they manipulate my genitals again, deciding when I orgasm... I sweat, shudder, and only type "yes sir".

It hate it. I hate how these materials are still up there, still so easily available. I do not like it. When it is done, I either have flashbacks of my abuse or what I was exposed to, or sometimes I blank out, and cannot remember what just happened. Only that it did. I am re-victimising myself.... even though I am not a minor, by abuse still carries on.

The men who raped me, I see every week on campus. But the hundreds of men who had cam-chat sessions with me, and role played with me, and coerced me to pose in photos and videos as a teen, are all anonymous and lost in cyberspace. Who do I direct my arger to? I feel just as guilty as them, and reflect all my feelings inwards....

Under periods of high stress and feelings of abandonment, which I am currently going through upon my transition to Canada from Germany these feelings or sessions have been happening almost daily. It is scary. I am scared of myself- I am my own abuser. (I cry every day, because I am so far from Germany, and I was happier there then I had ever been in my life... in addition, my best male friend there isn't putting in the effort in our long distance friendship as I am.)

Do I expose myself to it to try and make "sense" of this "senselessness"? Do I expose myself to numb my mind and heart? Do I expose myself to somehow save that boy and change the outcome? Do I expose myself to telling those men where to go?

I cannot talk about this too openly at my group therapy sessions and I have never dealt with a CSA Specialist. I need to tell somebody about this....I need coaches to increase my positive masturabtion sessions where I am in control and thinking of healthy fantasies (which do happen).... I need hope... I need a hug....
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."