Internal fighting-a result of the abuse--a part of us loves the abuser or feels special and the other part is repulsed by the abuser and what he did. The internal conflict-trying to accept two divergent conditions. I am so guilty of this--I have not been able to accept--so I fight. But after a visit to the place of the abuse the part that felt love is muted and the fight is not there--but it still has a hold on me and maybe it is healing and seeing that the abuse was not love. My T believes this part has been looking for the priest or someone like him who would treat him the same--but to me I did not understand. But dissociation and fugue allow the parts to find what they may need. Now I just wander, no longer seeking anyone or anything. I hope this internal fight is truly beginning to end and not on a temporary hiatus.
My T and psychiatrist have reviewed my medical reports from my fugue state and will be expanding my therapy to help bring resolution to the PTSD and fugues by healing the inner self and releasing the memories. EMDR and EFT are options being explored. I am willing to do anything to end the conflict and have control over my life--not fighting myself internally and experiencing fugue and dissociative episodes.
Will in end, I can only hope and try. Because it is hell living with the conflict