Do not be hard on yourself. You did what you thought would help you at the time. I understand your feelings of control by the abuser--sexual abuse is not only physical but psychological as well as emotional. We need to heal so many different aspects of ourselves. I am sorry you gave up something that was a part of you. You learned it was not this part that was hurting, but rather the heart and mind. It can take a lifetime to free ourselves from the perps. But you are on the way--keep going and life will look up and you will begin to see yourself for who you truly are.