I have similar family dynamics and have slowly realized and grieved the fact they are NOt going to change.
One if my deepest wounds is the unmet longing for a family to nurture, value, protect, and safeguard me. I acted on this unmet longing in many ways relating to my family of origin. It never worked. They are part of a system dedicated to survival and my recovery and role threatens that system. Period.
Meanwhile I have a wife and two beautiful girls who need me to not be hijacked but to be engaged and present emotionally and wih my whole heart- so I work to heal my heart and dedicate myself to MY family of choice- my wife and kids and many brothers in recovery who Nurture me, listen to me, and give me joy.
Hope this helps- your post rang a very loud bell for me.
Thank you .
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.
�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner