First, I want to thank you all so much for your feedback when it comes to my posts. Your commentary and encouragement is invaluable. I have posted before about issues I have in regards to relations with others, but today I want post about something that carries enormous weight, and has no easy solutions. I plan on adding this to my story in due time.
From a period of 2008 right up to this past summer, I did some really horrible things. I do not wish to go into the details, but rest assured it had nothing to do with abusing children. I did these things in effort to quench a thirst for revenge and to feel some kind of a sense of power against
people who wronged me.
Now I am paying the price. Throughout my teen years I made some postings on the internet that I imagine most polite society would find alarming. I also corresponded with strange men online and shared nude photos of myself. These postings are now starting to show up in google searches of my name. The nude photos, by some miracle, have yet to surface again, although there is a great possibility that they could, what with the internet being forever and all.
I truly believe that the internet postings and photos being forever engrained on the internet are punishment for my misdeeds and now I tither on the brink as despair knowing that I have probably ruined my life at only 19. I doubt I could ever gain any type of respectable position with stuff like that floating around in cyberspace.
While it is not my intention to try to deflect responsibility, I cannot help but wonder if my CSA helped foster the lack of reason and need for control that ultimately led me to make those foolish decisions. I am not really looking for sympathy at this point. I just would like some honest perspective on how to make this situation better if at all possible.