I went golfing yesterday with two guys I barely know. The one guy I have seen around at work and his friend. Of course they are good golfers, and I have not picked up the clubs except to move them around in 5 or 6 years.

So off we go.

The last time I played golf was before recovery, so when I "duffed" off the tee and "topped" in the rough at almost every hole, I became very angry at myself, very embarrassed and felt I was taking up too much time. Previous to recovery I made many unrealistic demands of myself and had not taken the time to play golf since, this was a triggering episode for me. I played terrible, like 60 strokes higher than par. I made light of it, thanked the guys who asked me to come, but I am struggling with feelings like those guys just sat behind me and laughed at me. They did not, it just felt that way. They did not say much, so I was left with my own destructive thoughts.

I want to feel like it was a learning experience, but I really would like to be good at golf. I struggle with it and with others watching me work or play, as I feel I am being negatively evaluated.

I have tossed and turned about this all night, feeling upset or feeling like I was treated unfairly(by whom?), but it just boils down to something I would like to be good at that I am not and how I take that reality. I am a positive person, not judged by others. Easy to say, harder to get to, but I will keep on striking till I do... FORE!!!


I have to add a PS. Recently I was asked to play a game of pool(billiards, 8 ball). Me and a couple other guys played on this rickety old table several games of pool. I was surprised at how well I did, I was never good at this game. In fact I won every game except for a couple. I felt like maybe recovery had given me a calm, thoughtful perspective where I was much better than I was before! I thought this was how I was going to perfom at golf as well, but no. It has of course given me a sense of calm, but the difference between having a stellar pool game and this terrible golf outing was really overwhelming for me.

Edited by SamV (11/22/12 01:00 PM)
Edit Reason: Just more chaotic thoughts...
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