I experience similar difficulties in my own recovery. Like you my SSA is fixated on male genitalia although for me it is orally based because that is how I was abused. Also, I definitely associated sexual gratification with shame and guilt so don't think you are a lone on that one. Same goes for the depression and suicidal ideation. It also sounds like you share the same problem I do with sex, namely being a "performer." I idea is we detach ourselves and do whatever is necessary to gratify our partners rather than enjoying a shared experience. Trust me when I say it is pretty much all attributable to your CSA and that there is opportunity for healing. There is a section here dedicated to recovery materials (books, articles, etc.) but a book a lot of male survivors recommend beginning with is "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. Don't be surprised if, while reading recovery materials, you hear yourself saying "that's me." At least, that is how I felt reading some of what you shared with us tonight. It's really amazing, that sense of isolation and shame, the former is untrue and the latter doesn't belong to us at all.
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh