Thank you. I guess I was feeling good having made it through the visit to the place of the abuse and funeral in the same church. I have met with psychiatrists at GW Hospital from my unexpected stay, my own psychiatrist and therapist I realize there is unresolved trauma. I also learned from my T today from his reading of the hospital reports he noted certain phrases I use over and over to describe the onset of triggers were contained in the report. We talked about one specific, "you ungrateful son", words spoken by my abuser. He has noted I believe I was unworthy of the love of my parents. Now that they are both gone, it caused me to cry because I can never know. My T told me, what your mother did through some miraculous way for you showed you were not ungrateful but loved. It is hard to believe because the perp's words seem to control me. I have a way to go.

After being to the place of abuse, my memories are more movies than clips. It is so real and maybe this is the beginning of a new phase of healing. I don't know but hope it will hit I want to be well and not deal with fugue, dissociation or anything that takes me away. My T believes there is unresolved issues between what I call me and the child. He believes the child who believed he was loved by the perp takes over during fugue and takes me to places looking for him or someone like him. From the last fugue I know, at least from what was said during fugue and other things found by the hospital staff that I just wandered, alone and sought help. My T thought this may be a break through looking but hesitant and not wanting to find because this part may now realize the abuser did not love him.

I will try to keep plugging along and working to heal.

Edited by KMCINVA (11/22/12 03:05 AM)