I spoke about my story for the first time two days ago and wrote it down for the first time last night. I couldn't finish writing it but I got as much as I could down.
I went to sleep about one in the morning and woke again at five. I had the most vivid scary nightmare I have had in years. It wasn't about the rape but a few key figures in my life past and present, were in it.
I dreamt my current wife was getting attacked in the street by a bunch of people and I couldn't help her. The dream moved to a school (not mine but I knew it was a school). Here two of my best friends (from the past who I no longer speak to any more) and I were high on drugs and just running amok in the school. All the glass was missing from the windows and laid down flat on the floor in neat piles. Don't know what that means. My two sons were also running around the school and I started getting really scared for their safety....not from me but from an unknown force in the school. This is strange because the attacks happened after school.
I started choking in the dream which caused me to wake and when I did I was choking and breathing rapidly. I knew I was having the onset of a panic attack which I haven't had for 6 or 7 years now.
It's 2 hours later and I couldn't get back to sleep.
I really hate this. I know it is supposed to be healing. And I don't understand the significance of things like the school the glass and my two old friends. Am I repressing more than I realise?
No need to answer...I just needed to get it down.
"This is the story of how we begin to remember."
"...just below my skin I'm screaming..."