Thanks everyone for posting! I am so glad to know that I have (and deserve) support!
I want to apologize for not replying sooner.
Unfortunately, I have been hospitalized for a while. I had pneumonia and I was generally too exhausted and asthmatic to do anything. But I am feeling a lot better now.
I have read all of the responses and I understand where you are all coming from.
Being in hospital was quite scary, I had to had adrenaline shots and oxygen as I couldn't breath. Two of the people in my ward sadly passed away.
But I have taken this time in hospital as a realization. I cannot continue the way I am. I am definitely determined to set my boundaries.
Just because we love each other does not mean we are meant to be together. It pains me so much to say this it's unreal. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped apart. But I gotta do what I gotta do.
I always felt I could cope with anything regarding his abuse, because I thought we were partners and I have his back the same way he would have mine.
But with the death of my sisters and becoming really depressed I didn't realize that he did NOT have my back. I carried him and loved him at his darkest, but when I needed him the most, he was to scared to see me like this, so instead he went on self-destruct mode and hoped I'd get better on my own. Only adding to my worries.
I can see it all clearly now.
So I have set my boundaries. He has one year to get his act together. This is not a threat, it's a fact. I AM EXHAUSTED and I can't pull both our weights anymore. Meanwhile I have joined the gym today, and have been for a walk, I have done my make up, and tomorrow I will get my hair done. I have also bought some new clothes and I am generally pampering my well deserved break. Since I've had no luck with jobs, I have decided to go back to university and study to become a teacher. My course begins next year and I am very excited about it.
I have learned everything that is valuable from my mother. She has been through hell and back more than once and she is a true survivor, and so am I.
I believe (or want to believe) my partner is a trooper too, but I am on my way up, and it is up to him, to come and join me.
So far, it does seem he has understood what I am saying. He went to the doctor today, and apologized for his horrid behavior during the last year or so. (forgive me for being cynical) But I have seen it all before, so I'll believe it when I see it. Today is 2 days alcohol free. I know it sounds like nothing, but looks promising... we'll see
I will keep you updated
Thanks again for the support and love.
I always end up in tears when I visit malesurvivor but I am thankful for it being here