I feel somewhat the same as you. Here is a bit of my story.
at the age of 3 or 4 I was molested by neighborhood boys. I was dragged by the arms through a yard behind a house where we were sitting on the front porch.
I was trying to get away but couldn't. The boys were older than me. I was forced to perform oral sex on them and then they urinated on me.
From that point on do believe I shut the incident out of my mind until highschool. One day in class a voice popped into my head that said "your gay". From that point on Ive been struggling with Intusive thoughts, SSA, sexual aniexty with women etc etc.
I struggled with soft porn addiction and constant masterbation. Never SS porn though.
I'm in therapy now and this is the first time in my life I have tried to deal with the thoughts, feelings without alcohol or repressing them.
Im in my late 30's now and everytime I try to date a girl I feel like I lose complete control of my life. I lose interest in friends, work and generally start to feel bad. I feel thoughtless except for My mind becoming consumed with these SSA thoughts and feelings. Things seem fine until the relationship gets sexual and all of the SSA and emotions and stress start to pile up.
A large part is a compulsion to do what I was made to do when I was with these boys.
Do you ever get the same with dating women?
I don't know how to deal with this.