Originally Posted By: Publius
After being here quite awhile I am happy to find this particular section for sexual identity issues. Honestly, I am embarrassed, ashamed, and upset with myself for the mistakes I have made over the past year and a half since recovery began. After my repressed memories broke through I started having problems with SSA. I told myself I was just experimenting by being bi-curious even though I knew it was not the case. In short, I indulged my SSA on a number of occasions but never felt good about it afterward yet I kept doing it. I know in my heart and head that I am heterosexual. Yet, even though I am not attracted to men I suffer from this strong desire to act out sexually with them sometimes. I mean, it is ridiculous I have read lots and lots of CSA literature but I couldn't keep myself from doing what I had read about and knew was wrong for me. Why is this???

Hey Publius it is great that you wrote what bothers you. You wee very honest and opened and it needed a lot of courage to to do so.
I hope now when you wrote it are feel a little bit better.
I can speak about SSA because I have it as constant problems which makes me very sad sometimes and above all very empty and hurt.
The reason why is happening although many of us learned and read about this issue is complex.
Everyone of us has been driven by our feelings even it could be that we are not totally aware of that, such is the case related to SSA attraction in case it is left like scar from abuse.
I'm talking about traumatic event (sexual abuse) which left memorized a lot of hurtful feelings in our brain and body.
In some cases and under some conditions we are doing some destructive behavior in compulsive manner like against our free will. It could be acting with men/women, it could be related to problems with alcoholic, drugs, gambling and many different things. The common thing is high driving action which will made our brain busy for a while and in atmosphere like during abuse.
The background of all this is actually our inability to cope with certain situations and feelings.
Every one of us has to discover those feelings that are difficult to cope so we could recognize it and try to manage it.
In my case because of various reason sometimes I have terrible feelings of uncertainty, like I don't have everything in my hands or control and some very negative outcome will happen because of that.
In scuh cases and when I've been felt like that I need to esacpe from my reality and I do it by runing in world of porn (usually gay porn with some scenes that are very real and that could be connected to survivors).
I'm still exploring other feelings that I can't handle and I'm not yet ready to get all those hurtful emotions under complete control.
Please read this article by Ken Singer, I think that is the best thing related to destructive behaviours that I've found:
I hope this will help you!

I don't have intrusive thoughts like you do related to kids, but I know that there are a lot of literature about it. Please try to find some articles, I'm sure it is nothing to worry about and there is some solution for that too.

I admire your readiness for recovery and healing! Just follow those instincts!

My story