After being here quite awhile I am happy to find this particular section for sexual identity issues. Honestly, I am embarrassed, ashamed, and upset with myself for the mistakes I have made over the past year and a half since recovery began. After my repressed memories broke through I started having problems with SSA. I told myself I was just experimenting by being bi-curious even though I knew it was not the case. In short, I indulged my SSA on a number of occasions but never felt good about it afterward yet I kept doing it. I know in my heart and head that I am heterosexual. Yet, even though I am not attracted to men I suffer from this strong desire to act out sexually with them sometimes. I mean, it is ridiculous I have read lots and lots of CSA literature but I couldn't keep myself from doing what I had read about and knew was wrong for me. Why is this???
Whatever the case, IT STOPS NOW. This is not who I am and honestly I feel bad because some of the men I've met when acting out exhibited behaviors/said things that made me think they were also survivors : ( I am sorry to myself, them, and to you all for this fact. I am really hoping someone here can give me some advice on how to curtail this compulsive behavior while I am working through recovery. As you recover more are these feelings mitigated? Do they pretty much go away if you work through the underlying issues?
Also, why the hell am I so anxious around kids. It is hard to explain but when I am around kids or think about having kids I become extremely worried about the possibility of abusing them...almost like I am going to go insane/lose control over myself and that abusing them is an inevitability. Just thinking about that possibility makes me feel like I am already guilty of doing it. Thus, I avoid kids and even though I want children I am deeply afraid of the possibility of hurting them. HOWEVER, and this is what confuses me, I am not sexually attracted to children (or at least I don't think I am). I admit sometimes I see a teenage girl (meaning post-pubescent) I feel attracted to but I've read that is normal as long as you don't feel compelled to act on those feelings, which I haven't found to be the case. I don't feel any of the strong compulsions I've read about in CSA literature discussing predators like "not being able to control themselves around children" or grooming or any of that shiat. The very idea of hurting a child frightens/angers me and honestly if I thought I was going to go insane to the point where a child would be at risk I'd just end my life to save a child from CSA. It is simply not an option or an obsession with me unlike SSA but I still worry because there is so much at stake.
I mean I've babysat a few times when I was in high school and not once considered hurting the kids under my care. In fact, I felt very overprotective/careful around them. But, then there was this time in fifth grade where I had a crush on this cool guy from my school. It eventually subsided in sixth grade but WTF is with that!? Was it because I hit puberty in sixth grade? Awhile back my friend's little sister climbed up on to me and I froze because I was super afraid of touching her the wrong way even though I didn't want to. Generally speaking, when I interact with kids I feel uncomfortable to the point of being panicky because of the above fears. Why is that? How can I work on my recovery in a way that will help with these fears/feelings? Am I at risk of becoming an offender? I've read that sexually abusing children is an insane act (I agree) but is it possible that I could go insane and do something I abhor so deeply I would choose death before letting it happen while sane? Can people tell if they are about to go insane? Is any of this normal for CSA survivors?
There are a couple boys who live across from me and one is the age I was when my abuse started and the other when it ended. Seeing them around playing, riding their bikes, etc. makes me really depressed occassionally. Sometimes I smile watching them doing the things I enjoyed when I was a kid but then I remember how my abuse affected me even during those golden childhood years and I feel sad : ( I hate those moments...like I am being robbed of my good times/nostalgia as well.
I've been holding all of this in for awhile now guys thank you all for providing a safe place for me to share. I genuinely appreciate any advice you can give me for my problems. I promise I will reflect upon what you say and continue to work towards recovery. Now, after four hours of writing/editing I think I had better get to bed : P
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh