Hello Bean, peace to you and ShyShark.
Recovery relief is coming rest assured, as long as you continue to pursue recovery. All of those around you(and you) are innocent, the perps are years behind you but you still have abuse controls that govern your life. May I suggest the writings of Ken Singer, our resident expert on Male Sexual Abuse with his book "Evicting the Perpetrator" and also a Weekend of Recovery from MaleSurvivor co founder Dr. Howard Fradkin, who wrote "Joining Forces", both found here in our library on the homepage.
Shyshark has it absolutely right, you have been surviving, be kind to yourself. Picture you floating in the sea with many helicopters floating around shouting at you over PA systems giving you advice. What you may want is for one of those people to rescue you, but it doesn't happen, it has not happened. You will need to save yourself with the help of your fellow survivors, research, retreats, sharing, posting and supporting, here in MS, one on one in therapy, talking to your local supporters and healing from the inside.
My best to you Bean. I look forward to your sharing and communicating here in MS,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014