I did it. I faced the fear and walked through it.
the meeting was infuriating. The “super” made vague sweeping accusations about how we weren’t working up to expectations and needed to fall in line and knuckle down and on and on – for about 45 minutes – ended with an order that we all have unity and trust him. Then he opened it for questions/comments…
no one was saying anything for about 2 minutes. I felt like I had a lot to lose if I tried to speak and then lost it. but I realized afterwards that I also had a lot to gain if I could do it. finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I took the plunge and broke the ice. I called him on his lack of meaningful communication and lack of constructive involvement and his pattern of power plays and setting us up in an adversarial relationship. When I finished I was shaking like crazy. After that others spoke too. Safety in numbers, I guess. Who knows if anything will change – but at least those of us who stood up know where the support is.
When I got my heartbeat back to normal, I felt better than I have in days. It was almost like a taste of what it would have been like if I could have called the step-father out. I am steadier and energized and have more self-esteem. On the way to school this morning I picked up a smooth stone to keep on my desk to remind me of this. (See my avatar for an explanation! LOL)
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"