fighting Against my self every step of the way
i staggered to a field of men fighting the same battle
now guarding each others backs we fight ever harder
but this isn't walking away to do better things

i found an online therapist then i dropped coffee all over my laptop
as a cute man was talking to me
also meaning i missed the healing cycle meeting

i joined a course to become a holistic life coach
and i feel beyond awkward every time i try to read the course work
a million reasons not to do it

i am tired of this inner resistance to change i am tired
of giving that part of my self empathy and understanding only to be fought while doing so
i am tired of accommodating it
im frustated pissed of and profoundly sad not over the abuse but over the time iv wasted and the connections iv missed
'The flower you love is not in danger...I'll draw you a muzzle for your sheep...I'll draw you a fence for your flower...I' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him...It's so mysterious, the land of tears.