Hey there Letourski! I've been actually feeling triggered myself almost everyday lately, and I can completely relate with you. For me, my abuse was mainly by men online for many years as I was a young teen and then men in person when I was older (and drunk). I felt that it was wrong, but "let" it happen at the same time, because like you said, it was how my body was supposed to react. I knew from a young age I was gay and liked "men", but I didn't know that just because I liked adult men at 12, 13 years old, that did not make it ok for me to actually get involved sexually with them. I feel much guilt about that too. I did not know how to make it stop, and for me, that was how I expressed my sexuality- by "letting" countless men take advantage of me- for 6 years.
But I have realised now how wrong it was, and I realise like you, why it is so confusing to fully relinquish guilt. Often when I feel triggered, I also become hyper-sexual... if not with men in person, than masturbating- to the point where my body is in much physical pain. I don't know what it is I am doing, but my mind does not want what my body feels compelled to do, and the whole time it is very confusing and painful physically and emotionally .... I am living a cycle, but seeing your post makes me realise- as it should yourself- that WE are not alone. We are not to blame. And WE have the power to work on our pain and move on from it.
I wish I had more than my experiences to contribute at this point, but it is comforting to know that we are not in this alone.
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."