I do not know any other survivors in person, and I often find it hard to discuss my feelings RE: my abuse with friends & family, because they have simply no basis to identify with.
A bit of background: As gay-identified, I find that often other straight guys might not be so open to me, yet I also feel disconnected with the gay community. I had a number of superficial gay male friends at the beginning of university, but last year, after I turned 20 and came to terms with my abuse, I felt my "friends" were some of the least supportive people.
However, earlier this year I moved to Germany and met my best guy friend. As roomies, we did everything together, and even completed each others' sentences, and it was awesome having a wing-man with me on most days. In addition to him being straight, our life experiences were so different, yet we fit together so perfectly. He is not just a friend- and I came to love him like a brother, and call him my brother all the time. Our friendship really did help with my recovery, and I felt like myself again after over a year of depression, guilt, flashbacks, and crippling anxiety.
Having come back to Canada to finish my undergrad, it is difficult maintaining the close contact with my German brother. Computers and our mobiles only help so much, but we haven't skyped for two months or had a real, deep, meaningful conversation. I sometimes put out there with a message or a text that I wish I could talk with him about my abuse, or that I had a good/bad day, or simply that I miss him, but I recieve no meaningful (if any) response to those messages which mean the most to me. I don't know if that makes him a bad friend, or maybe because he has not had such traumatic experiences as me- or that as a guy, he has been conditioned to not be outwardly emotional- he just does not know how to relate or what to say. Maybe he just shys away?
We message each other everyday about other things, and I am also planning on moving back to our town in Germany later this year. But it is the here and now that is important.
I am always so worried that I might be saying too much, but I do not know. It would mean a lot to me to have his support right now as he was so instrumental in my recovery. How do I communicate these feelings with him? Should I even? What might he be thinking when he reads any of these messages?
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."