As you know I went back to the place of the abuse. Since then the memories have been flooding in, so vivid and real. I see so much more of the details, the pain on the child's face, the priests smirking grin telling me I am special and this is our secret. It feels like the here and now. It is overwhelming, my arms are scratched from trying to get him off me. I am trying to remain here but my mind wanders. I hope this is part of the healing process because I do not feel too much inner conflict between me and the part that really believed the perp loved him and that all acts were signs of love and these acts bring love. Maybe the afternoon in the cellar this part of me saw the hurt and pain. Maybe he could see the perp did not love him and used us and the other boy. Are we becoming whole? I do not know--so many emotions. I just want to be happy and not fighting within myself, but right now I am in pain and emotionally drained. I want to see the happy tomorrows.

If we had a physical wound, everyone would see our pain and understand, but our wounds are buried and no one can see them--so many dismiss us. These wounds are so real and painful.

Everything about accepting the past is so hard.