Would like to get your thoughts and perspective on all this.
NO! I AM NOT SUICIDAL, or at least I haven't succeded.
But, I do think about suicide a whole lot!!!!
My christianity, serves to protect me from going through with suicide,
but it does not keep me from thinking about and thinking how much easier
it would be for me to use suicide as a way to just stop thinking about everything
that I've been through, and am going through now, and what I'm expecting to endure in my future.
My adult attack happened over 22 years ago.
And I lost plenty, more than any man should ever go through.
This new route that I'm heading down is a rough one to say the least, I'm not sure where my head is at right now.
It's now been two weeks since I started dealing
with these two incidents of Gang-Rape by my
fellow co-workers while I was in the military.
The term Gang-Rape is something very new to me and a concept to which I have yet to fully comprehend
or understand, especially since my attackers were military personnel.
I do not wish to forgive them,
nor can I forget what they did to me.
Because, I lost more than my Family and my Military Career,
I lost my D-I-G-N-I-T-Y,
and all the mental stuff that goes along with it,
is what weighs so heavily on my mind 24/7.
During my first attack I was warned that all this would stop, and go away,
if I just gave them what they wanted, and then during my second assault,
my family was threatened (which I took very seriously) that they would kill my family if I ever told anyone.
Because I was a Senior Non-Commissioned Officer, If I had brought this up,
I would have been chastised, ridiculed, and ostrasized way more than if this had happened in the civilian world.
Simply because the Military is in and of itself, only willing to police itself and when it comes to the truth,
is covered up in such a way that the press or society will never get to hear of it,
let alone having your family know the truth. The military is all about image,
and protecting that image is way more important than the truth.
This is the cold hard facts of military life.
So, yes in a nutshell, I've always been thinking of suicide.
Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.