The more I think about the way the Rhythm and Roll class is wrapping up the more angry I become and the more I want it to be over. Fortunately I may have until December 1st to put together the final presentation AND to cool down. I think the cooling down is more important.

Here's what the professor wrote as the class assignment:

"Thinking of you and writing to clarify this task in your R&R journey. By now you are probably tuned in to the art of synchronicity - allowing the present moment to guide you to a deeper awareness of some hidden or lost aspect of yourself that is waiting to come into consciousness and bring more power and joy into your life. Synchronicity often comes through dream symbols, meeting new people, reading or hearing something that touches you deeply, making new connections from combining old things - aha! moments. Hopefully during the course of R&R you have been increasing your awareness of areas where you want to grow and expand and other areas where you are ready to let go of some old aspect of yourself that doesn't work anymore.

"You might want to sit quietly and meditate with your blank mask and allow a character/archetype or symbol to emerge from deep inside that will empower you in taking that next step - it could be a sage, a power animal, a hero or goddess figure, a medicine woman or ancestor - or whatever your imagination conjures up that has meaning for you. Decorate your mask to give life to this symbolic aspect of yourself.

"Next, plan a creative presentation that could involve drama, comedy, song, poetry and/or dance. You can do this alone or invite class members to assist you. The more attention you give to preparing this presentation, the more power it will have when you enact it. This will also ensure that its repercussions will continue to be meaningful and sustainable.

"Your final enactment will involve breathing life into this character/mask and letting it commit its first act of power in your life after the group ritual. You will be asked to share this enactment with the group who will "witness" this birthing process and celebrate your new becoming."

Truth be told I didn't have any real big aha! moments. Yes, I realized I did not like attention brought to myself. Yes, I became acutely aware of touch issues. Yes, I tried to sabotage my "voice" after telling C how I felt. All of this stuff. Old hat.

Being angry about the slap on the wrist -- that just pissed me off. The articles I am reading are akin to Pollyanna's "just be glad" approach to life. Ho-hum, and really?

I like my mask, but i have to translate it to come across as some great positive revelation when it is not. I painted it a metallic lavendar and glued some fake "jewels" on the face. Outlined the eyes in white and covered the sockets with an off white chiffon. The mouth area was molded around my goatee, so the opening is huge and gaping. I filled it with gray/purple chiffon tied in knots here and there. It is striking.

Here's the real expression. The face color and jewels the pleasant face I show the world. The eyes do not see clearly. The mouth is trying to speak, even scream but remains tongue-tied. The jewels are old wounds, healed as much as they can be. They are a part of me that is important. Their significance lies in the truth they hold about the nature of suffering. Sometimes it becomes the seed of change and a source of beauty.

For class the tongue tied explanation will have to go. Guess I'll make that a representation of greater expression. I'll use the wound analogy, but with a softer word. Hardships. Life's hardships. Shielded eyes? I don't know. Anyone have any ideas?

I took belly dance classes for 6 years. I figure, although I am very rusty, and a fat old fag to boot, I will do a short belly dance. Not that i want to. The music I chose has lots of drums. The teacher likes drumming. The dancing will be fast. I'll have to make it look joyful, not angry. THAT will take practice. Bottom line is i do not want to do the the presentation.

It's loaded with triggers. It's one thing to ask a bunch of out-of-high school teenagers to dig deep, but being in my 50's there's a lot to dig and the digging is deeper. And honestly, I think it is none of their business. I have to put on the fake face again, something I have been working so hard to acknowledge and work at changing. Damn! Well, I did it for over 50 years, I can muster up whatever I need to do it again for seven hours.

I'm bitching and moaning too much.