lav25 I totally agree, it's weerd how some do and yet I cannot. But I've found that if I start comparing myself to others that is not a good road to go down at all, indeed i think the relationship thing is the only time I've felt genuinely jealous of other survivers particularly in F&F, sinse the more I read some woman saying "my husband is an utter bastard and has behaved like a s scum bag but I love him" the worse I felt, the idea that I! would commit such acts as some of the women in F&F describe seems to me utterly illogical, yet who had the relationship?

That again is why I had to decide to stop, sinse not only was maintaining the hope in ahving the sort of experience I wanted too much, but also i disliked what it made me feel towards others.

In fairness this might well be related to my abuse. the knolidge that the physically closest anyone has been to me was while calling me a fucking bastard and spitting in my face hurts.

I recently got through a friends' wedding, by basically not listening to the service.

Hence my resolution.

it might not be best for everyone else, for me it is really the only way not to hurt, sinse the hole relationship business is just too painfull and too unfair, and does bad things to me.

I wish anyone who wants to try good luck, and I can now genuinely say i hope it works for you, but that is not my path.

for me there is always music and creativity and the rest of life, which is a far better goal to aim at than something I cannot achieve which only ever causes pain.