I am very angry and grieving at what I've lost because of my shitty childhood and the two rapists (believe that or not cause I have NO doubts whatsoever).
I've lost -
Loving myself - I've hated myself for 40 years. I mean hated myself and I am very ashamed of me just being alive. I feel totally unworthy of everyone. So, I didn't receive any love and that reinforced my self-hatred. And, yes, I wish I was never born. I hate life with a passion. All I do is hurt and I'm close to wanting it all to end. If God said, come home, fuck it, I'd do that in a heart beat. Give me a day to tie up some loose ends and take me home.
Emotions - I've stuffed everything. My anxiety comes from that. Remember how I used to break out in hives from stress? That was Raymond's doing. I don't cry cause they is no one there to hold me and comfort me so why should I go feeling totally worse? I feel nothing from anyone. It hurts so bad. I used to hit myself to cause pain to feel anything at all. I have problems sometimes with a nerve in my right leg because that's where I'd hit myself. I fake everything hoping people will like me. Be posititve around them, be happy, they'll be a friend. It didn't work.
A wife - I asked God for one and she didn't come along. Got tired of being lonely. I'm lonely everywhere. Why i dated that woman in Pensacola. Well, no one "good" came along and/or wanted me (got turned down left and right) and I was extremely lonely. I was tired of just working, eating, and going to bed alone. Until she went nutso, it filled a deep hole for awhile. No matter what I have this deep hole. You shouldn't take for granted how many wanted you when there are some of us nobody seemed to want.
Kids - I wanted that opportunity. It's gone and I'm too old now. I'll probably never know what that's like. You're lucky you had it.
Wedding - I always dreamed of a wedding and love and that special day. I constantly said I didn't want it because I didn't think I'd ever have it. So far, I was right.
Relationships with friends - Nobody knew who I was. You make them easy it seems. I don't.
People say I'm cold. I wasn't allowed to have emotions so I stuffed them. My hurt and anger is coming out. There is no other place to stuff them. I have 40 years of hurt bottled up and no where to put it.
All those things were stolen from me and it depresses me daily. Not having someone to love me and someone to love has pushed me to the brink. I can't tell you how many times since November last year I wish I'd die and I could then get away from this hell. You say, move on. Move on to what exactly? I've tried to move on, forget it and it all keeps coming back. I'd love to move on and forget. I've done that for 40 years. No where else to run. So, no, there is no moving on till I deal with all this, this shit. There is no stuffing all this hurt and pain anymore. And, yeah, I want Raymond to suffer every fucking bit as much as I have. Goddamn fucking right!!!! I am tired of people thinking I don't count and I don't exist and I'm just there to be yelled at to make someone feel better about themselves. That's why I hate yelling and will yell right back. I can't take being yelled at anymore by anyone. I'm also sick of people telling me how to think and what to think and what to believe about God AND REALLY SICK OF SOMEONE TELLING ME TO MOVE ON. Yeah, talking about you there.
I would love to cry and cry and someone hold me and tell me it will be okay. But, there is no one to do that for me so I don't cry. It reminds me of the night I was raped. There was no one there but a blank tv screen. I was 3.5 years old and thought I had been abandoned to these two sickos that stole my soul. So, I hid it the rape and didn't find out till 26.5 years later when my life fell apart the first time and I didn't know why. Those people that went through sex abuse never told me they thought I had till after I said I did. They purposefully didn't want to give me false ideas so they kept quiet till I found out. Criticize them all you want; they thought of me. I really hope these two sickos are in hell. And, I hope Raymond goes there.
I'm sure Ms. perfect goddamn gift to universe won't listen, but I sent it anyway.
A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"