i just realized that i am angry at God.
i love him - but i feel he has let me down. pretty much the same way i felt about my mom - who also did not protect me from abuse in the home.
for years i have said i was not angry at God. i was "confused" or "questioning" or "disappointed" or at most "resentful." because i did not experience the typical characteristics of anger, i thought i wasn't angry. i didn't ACT angry - i didn't FEEL angry - no elevated pulse, no high blood pressure, no shouting, no violent acting out - so i must not BE angry. well - i didn't feel ANYTHING for that matter, so that didn't prove a thing.
a few people who knew some parts of my past would tell me that i had every right to be angry. and some have encouraged me to express it. but i couldn't even identify it - much less connect with it - and no way could i let it out by communicating it through words or activities.
my anger was all stuffed down and locked up because anger was not allowed in our house. and if i couldn't be angry at a mere mortal abuser - with whom i had reasonable and legitimate cause for anger - how in the world did i think i could dare to be angry at (a "loving and perfect and benevolent") GOD?!
so now i am finally admitting it. and next i guess i'll have to do something about it. so now i am "disappointed" in myself - or should that be *ANGRY* at myself?
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....