i just realized that i am angry at God.
i love him - but i feel he has let me down. pretty much the same way i felt about my mom - who also did not protect me from abuse in the home.
for years i have said i was not angry at God. i was "confused" or "questioning" or "disappointed" or at most "resentful." because i did not experience the typical characteristics of anger, i thought i wasn't angry. i didn't ACT angry - i didn't FEEL angry - no elevated pulse, no high blood pressure, no shouting, no violent acting out - so i must not BE angry. well - i didn't feel ANYTHING for that matter, so that didn't prove a thing.
a few people who knew some parts of my past would tell me that i had every right to be angry. and some have encouraged me to express it. but i couldn't even identify it - much less connect with it - and no way could i let it out by communicating it through words or activities.
my anger was all stuffed down and locked up because anger was not allowed in our house. and if i couldn't be angry at a mere mortal abuser - with whom i had reasonable and legitimate cause for anger - how in the world did i think i could dare to be angry at (a "loving and perfect and benevolent") GOD?!
so now i am finally admitting it. and next i guess i'll have to do something about it. so now i am "disappointed" in myself - or should that be *ANGRY* at myself?
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"