Yerac - i think you are right about the inferiority. i always feel like i am a gawky adolescent when around other men - even those younger than me. i hadn't thought of it under that name. i was calling it "shame." i guess both could be true.

ironically, one of my "what ifs" has aways been - what if my real father hadn't died when i was almost 3? he was an athlete - a coach and Phys. Ed instructor at a college. i was even the basketball team's mascot his first season on that job. if he hadn't died - and i had grown up with him - quite apart from probly avoiding the CSA stuff from the settings that i ended up in - i always wonder if i'd have been the hopelessly awkward physical reject that i was. would i have grown up with my own private personal trainer with whom i'd have had a warm, strong bond and been a sports star? or would i have been the same inept loser that i became - and been rejected and scorned by my own father?

i know it doesn't help to torture myself that way - but i can't help it sometimes.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3