The reason I don't understand why God ever wanted much to do with me is I just don't have emotions except fear and anger (and bipolar highs--happy but not happy just high). I can't feel love, whatever that is. I can't respond to him or anyone else if all I feel is fear and anger and have no clue what the other emotions are. When I was raped at 3.5 years old, the former died and an adult took his place at about 5 or 6 when she figured out that hell called rape was just the beginning and another hell called emotional and physical child abuse awaited. I have no clue how to fix those problems and the last of the self-hate issues. I'm just blah or angry. Blah, or numb, is better for me, trust me. He has a lot to fix. I have no clue since I missed my child development. In fact, people showing me all kinds of affection drives me crazy and will push me away since affection just means someone wants something and could care less about me and then I'll get angry at being used--even if that's not the goal. I have no way of telling the difference at all. Why God wants an unemotional, cold train wreck like me I have no idea.

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"