I appreciate what you are saying Blue. But the reality is that I can never accept my sexuality and be happy and satisfied with that. I wish that I could but it seems unimaginable. I think it is too late for me. I can't tell you how sad it is to write that but that's just the way it is. The idea of being "happy and satisfied" is something that I've never had and am convinced will never happen. Is that due to CSA? Probably not. I may be trying to convince myself that it is because that can provide me with some kind of explanation. I feel that I made my choice so many years ago -- at a time when it seemed to me that anyone who was gay was mentally ill -- and now I have to live with it. I have lived a facade and will probably keep living that way. I truly do fear rejection, loneliness and just a different kind of self-hatred. But self-hatred, despite the fact that I've been seeing a good therapist and have all the insight in the world, is my single most dominant emotion........Ed