1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
He didn't, I put things together after a severe sexaddiction came to surface after being together for 13 years.
My husband was having an affair and was about to leave me and our family for the "other woman". I sort of pushed him to make a discision: her or me, (us).
He wanted to explore his feelings for her while in a relationship with me. I didn't permit that. I forced him to choose because of my own boundaries.
He choose me, us. I was so shocked of his lying and sercrecy, that i wondered and asked him if more was going on behind my back.
He confessed hooking up with men in public places, cinnema's, parking lots, public restrooms etc. Porn addiction, telephonesex, webcamsex, hookers and so on. He also disclosed other childhood events that just didn't make sense to me.
Like, he went to see his family doctor because the thought he had and STD when he was very young, (13) and presumably never had sexual intercourse. And more strange stuff like that.
2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
He was a man that i held so very high untill that point, trusted, a very gentle, friendly and modest man. Yet, looking back there where always some unexplainable feelings i had myself.
Prior to his disclosure i woke up in the morning from having a nightmare, and i screamed: "something very bad is going to happen!".
I never caught him looking at other woman, yet he had sexual fantasies about every woman he encountered, at work, neighbours, familymembers even...
I sometimes think you do pick up stuff from others, in this case my husband, allthough sometimes unconsiously.
I was shocked and was in shock for a year to come. I remember feeling like i was in a movie most of the time.
I worked as a mental health counselor myself for 13 years, even arranged meetings for man who where abused...
And i didn't know..
I new right away that something just didn't add up here. Did some research on sex addiction and read Jonathan Marsh's paper
"He Danced Alone", a few days after my husbands disclosure, and I "new" then.
Since than, "fragments" as i call them, come out. Fragments of severe abuse throughout his childhood with incidents at the boyscouts, incidents at home, (family) and so on.
My husband still flips between: it happend, and it didn't happen, one moment the "door is open", next moment its closed and unatainable.
3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
He went to the SLA right away, wich led to more guilt and shame, because the reason of the sexaddiction remains sort of unadressed. Talking endlessly about the acting out, was not helping at all.
After that he had two more counselors that just didn't help. Who focussed to much on the Sex addiction, lying, not taking responsebility etc.
My husband is now diagnosed with complex PTSD, and working with a very good therapist. he has to record the sessions where they are discussing the CSA incidents and then has to listen to them every day. Its called exposure therapy. The focus is to listen to the story of his own abuse without disociating, thus staying present.