My heart goes out to you. This is impossible for me to understand, except that it must be wrenching, and take you right into your pain.
Does it seem like that horrible person placed a burden on you to feel connected to him through his abuse? We are always being raped.
Keep in mind, in your struggles, that despite his abuse, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.
That perp who abused you never was and never can be.
I'll be thinking about you my friend.
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.