Forgive the pedophile. This makes me angry. I want to piss on his grave. I want to see him burn in hell, and I want to be there to light the match. Forgive the man who drugged me, forced his dick down my throat and raped me? Forgive the man who filled me with anger, fear and self-hate? Forgive the man who caused me to turn to a lifetime of drugs and alcohol to blunt the pain he inflicted on me? Forgive the man who saw to it that I could never have a normal emotional or sexual relationship with another human being? Forgive the man who put the memories in my mind that still invade my days and nights, making me double over in pain? I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what if I NEED to? What if, as M.J. writes, forgiving that son of a bitch (my words not his) is the missing piece to my own healing? I've been complaining to my therapist that I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with this recovery stuff and I would do anything to get past it and stop the pain. What if I need to forgive him? Could I? Would I be willing to let go of the hate and anger? Would I be willing to do it? Honestly I just don't know right now. I just don't know.
I FEEL you Jude! Forgiveness can be hard and it's a process that can't be rushed. I will say this, to say I forgave my abuser is an understatement. I had to free him of the expectations and all the emotions I placed on him so that I could free myself to accept that he was never going to know how much he had hurt me. I freed myself to realize that there was never going to be a way to erase what happened but if I wanted to move forward and be in the present I had to free myself from the past. I even had to forgive myself for the unrealistic blame I placed on myself.
Easier said and realized than done, of course. My life, however, was at stake so I was worth fighting for. That's just my story though...learn from what you can but don't feel pressured.