its not easy when your inner desire does not match your outer life. Its like a cognitive disonance, a bizarro world. Each has his own path we must respect and allow to progress as it will.
For me, i just spent the last weekend waking up in the arms of a man, not even sex, just hugging, tenderness, and the feeling that my default was not faulty. Being with a man was the most natural thing in the world. He said to me, grant in ur arms it feels like "home".
At thanksgiving( i am in canada). my sister in law asked why i didnt bring my man, my ex wife who was so angry when i first told her , two years ago tomorrow said. he sounds great , you should have brought him to dinner. He had other plans.
I am no longer on drugs, dont drink more than 2, dont frequent porn although the occassional look is fun, dont do bathhouses or have anonymous sex, dont disrespect myself any longer. No magic formula, just finally had the courage and the fatigue to finally say enough, I AM ENTITLED TO BE ME.
My teen boys love me, my sporty nephews dont bat an eye. THey accept me, cuz i finally do ,despite whatever effect the CSA had on me. More than the repression of your sexuality Edward it denies you to be the person you can be. My buddy from my WoR is bi, he is happy cuz its in the open. I do not believe in any way in denying yourself who you are. YOU need to know you are OK. If you are happy in your marriage stay, it sounds like you're not. DO not stay, people change, so can you. My ex wife looks amazing, she is truly happy finally no longer feeling alone sleeping next to a man not capable of being there more than in body.
Take a stand, be yourself, you deserve it, whoever and whatever you are, But make no mistake
Your orientation is who you truly are. CSA can not influence it only cloud it. You can have a hetero lifestyle if you're gay, but you will be unhappy. You can have a gay lifestyle if your str8 ( one of the guys i met at the WoR was that guy). but you will only be happy when your inner heart and little boy match what you do and live on the outside. I am no longer sad, confused or depressed. The shame is gone, i never thought it would. I only have regret i did not act sooner, but being a child survivor i did not have the tools.
And so that is your quest, find the tools , get the help but ultimately do not ignore because of expectation, or religion or family pressure or a sense of fucked up duty. This is your life, now is the time, EDWARD - it is OK to be you.
MAKE IT SO
hugz with true honesty
Edited by 1lifenow (10/10/12 12:07 PM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011