Oh, ((((((((((((Cant)))))))))))) -
it's so difficult - every time one of those markers comes up.
people expect it to give you "closure" or "resolution" - because he's gone - but for you the s**t he left you with goes on...
i remember when the step-father died, it was such a shock to me. it meant that there never would be a confrontation or accounting. not that i know i'd have confronted him - but at least there was always the possibility - the hope that one day he'd ask forgiveness or at least acknowledge that he'd been hard on me... and then it was too late - impossible - never gonna happen. the loss of that last desperate shred of hope was one of the hardest things i faced - maybe just as bad as the initial abuse. i imagine you are feeling a perfect storm of mixed emotions and conflict right now.
i hope you can take time to fully grieve and process and let out the anger and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. and now is a good time to lean heavily on anyone who can offer support. we are here for you. PM me if you want to.
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"