Oh, ((((((((((((Cant)))))))))))) -
it's so difficult - every time one of those markers comes up.
people expect it to give you "closure" or "resolution" - because he's gone - but for you the s**t he left you with goes on...
i remember when the step-father died, it was such a shock to me. it meant that there never would be a confrontation or accounting. not that i know i'd have confronted him - but at least there was always the possibility - the hope that one day he'd ask forgiveness or at least acknowledge that he'd been hard on me... and then it was too late - impossible - never gonna happen. the loss of that last desperate shred of hope was one of the hardest things i faced - maybe just as bad as the initial abuse. i imagine you are feeling a perfect storm of mixed emotions and conflict right now.
i hope you can take time to fully grieve and process and let out the anger and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. and now is a good time to lean heavily on anyone who can offer support. we are here for you. PM me if you want to.
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"