I've been thinking about this a lot today and I am just about the same way. I feel like I am exactly opposite of what people seem to perceive me. The think I am the calm,quiet,hard working guy that never gets mad and always tries.to.do what is asked of him. When in actuality I am moody, often surly, prone to bouts of the blackest depression. And in general I am just not a happy person. But many decades have taught me how to build those faces. I have incredible difficulty in any social situation where I am not dealing with people one on one. I get told all the time "You are such a nice guy...." and I feel like yelling at the people "NO I AM NOT", I will go out of the way to help people I barely know, and yet I will deeply hurt those that care the most about me. Even right now, today my gf is really upset about the hurt I've caused her by my acting out, but I can't seem to look past the fact that I have to go to NY to get help and just feel like yet again someone is telling me I am not worth the time and/or effort of dealing with and kicking me down the road. Even though I know she deeply cares about me and she tells me "You need help" I and hear "Leave I.don't want you anymore. I wish I could overcome my inability to even speak when someone is telling me how I've hurt them. But like any other times of direct confrontation I just turn into that shut down 6yr old kid, instead of the 33yr old man I am.