I too have similar feelings and desires. Abused at 8 by older cousin I found the experience pleasurable. My closest thing to reality is chatting on line with other men. I have indulged in chatting with anonymous men on line without wifes knowledge It is a constant struggle to keep from doing this. Get this tremendous guilt from hiding this from spouse. As hard as I try to stop, these thoughts return every few weeks. Have been to therapist but never receive anything that works to curb this behavior. Nice to be able to share here though