Oh how, thanks guys. It feels so good to hear from people who really get what I feel...

Letourski - you echo what my therapist said. I just wish I could convince myself it was true. Especially because I didn't always choose this path. I did try to end my life when I was a teenager... three times, in fact, and got very close to making a fourth attempt in my early twenties...

Treehugger75 - yes, it is absolutely similar. I swing wildly between trying to live up to peoples expectations of me, trying to proof to them how wrong they are and how screwed up I really am, and trying to push them out of my life before they find out the truth. I think you can imagine what that does to relationships...

Still - Thanks, I'll check out that book.
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

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