charlesy, onlyakid and everyone

I do not know which is better--to remember small parts of the abuse or vivid memories. I have vivid memories and as I continue to heal and accept the abuse the images become more vivid--the memories and images I carried for a lifetime are disturbing enough. Sadly, the images are real and it has taken 45 years to accept them--they have wreaked havoc on my life for decades. I still have some memories of faces and actions that are not complete and this disturbs me. So it seems either way--full memories or partial memories all are disturbing and impact our lives.

I know my abuser, where he lives and works. I have driven passed the house, parked the car and stared, went to the church where he works-got out of the car but fear gripped me, I could not enter. Part of me wants to confront him and tell him how he screwed me up and how I hate and another part wants to see him because this part believes he was special to him. He screwed up my mind--hate and love of an abuser. How sick is this--but my T and others in support have told me, an abuser plays with the mind--as a child we want to be special and loved--he/she manipulates us and we are the ones who are messed up until we begin to heal. He convinces us the tingling in the body and body reactions show we are enjoying what is being done. We are still that child for a lifetime-until we learn to accept the abuse and learn to think differently about the abuse and who we are.

My mother is still alive. She has advancing dementia and I never told her. My father before he passed six years ago asked if I had been abused--in a conversation about the sex abuse at our church that father's in his coffee group had talked about. They had children my age who were altar boys, as I. I could not tell then. Now that I am healing I wish he was here today, so I could speak to him and let him know what had happened. You need to be ready to speak--only you will know when it is right to tell your parents.

Good luck