I can understand everything that has been said here. As time moves forward and I work on healing I seen new pieces of the past. I always had memories of some of the abuse but so much of it was pushed to a place in the mind that I disowned. I have a good sense of the events but when new information surfaces it sends me back to that dark place. But I am handling. The gaps and denial caused many periods in my life to be foggy and unknown to me. I seemed to have developed a coping mechanism to leave when I was under emotional stress. Normal tasks would be done and I would be confused when I did not remember doing them. Other times I was baffled and scared by where I was and what people said I did. But throughout life I always thought everyone had these gaps in life. But I am beginning to understand mine were more extensive because the abuser, a priest, when I was a child my mind allowed me to escape from the memories of the abuse so I could survive but also taught me to leave when I was in some emotional or stressful turmoil. It allowed me to escape from emotional or psychological pain, the unknown world became by safe place.
So everything I read here is makes total sense to me. Today, as I heal I am focused on not using my coping mechanism of leaving but rather focus on the here and now. It can be tough and the efforts are great and impacts my ability to tend to details and work I need to address. But as I face the past the pains of the present are bearable. You are feeling and accepting the past-keep going you are amongst people who have lived what you are experiencing and accept it for what should have never happened to any of us.