Its nice to see you posting more Scott, I get a lot out of your insights and journey.
I have similar struggles addiction wise, but am not "out" in ANY way to my wife. So I marvel at the level of emotional intimacy you do have with her. I am sure it has been painful to get to where you two are, but wow I can only remotely imagine having any kind of discussion like that...
I've only had "performance" issues a couple times with my wife. And it was back before I was doing recovery work and edging every night... My biggest seksual issue with her is ASKING for seks (this is getting better) and premature ejac.ulation (a consequence of infrequent seks for me now).
One thing that helped me focus more on her and not my "fantasyland" was to keep my eyes open during seks, and look at her face.
Just a few thoughts... Take care buddy.
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship TrooperMy Story