So I wasn't sure where I wanted to post this. I thought about one place I could put it where it would be really really secure with only a few people that would ever see it. In that I also knew it would exclude many who could probably give me feedback and insight.
Don't feel comfortable putting it out in the general forum, although putting it here is just as public.
So as I see this as another part of my journey with God, and I've been dealing with and working through a lot of stuff lately (although I know I don't share and post on it much).
So this pertains to my addiction, and events of last night.
And again I say Ugh!
Last night was actually really good. I spent time with my wife while the kids were at Awana. Spent time with her after we got home and put the kids in bed.
We even started to get a tad frisky!
Then I asked her a question and apparently talking and asking questions leads to more talking! Go figure...
I asked her how she felt about having a husband who not only enjoyed foreplay etc, but utterly needed it in order to be able to do more (I need physical closeness and time if anything else is going to happen between us).
Her response was that for her that was sex. It's all she knew. She's never had any other and so it's the only thing she knows so she doesn't have anything to compare it to.
So I commented that maybe that's why God wants us to have no prior experience before marriage, so sex with our spouse, and what they like or don't like is all we know....
Then I commented about all the stuff I knew and experiences and how it made things so hard. (specifically thinking about the abuse etc.)
So then she asked me if she could ask me a question. To which I sheepishly replied.... ok..... rather tentatively. I already kinda thought I knew where it was going....
She felt that hesitation and said nevermind, "I don't want to kill anything here." (referring to mood, drive, etc).
I told her to go ahead anyway because communication is important in marriage and for intimacy.
So she commented on the fact that when I built my new computer a year ago I never had her setup any software or passwords to block sites etc, and wondered....
All I could say was that I didn't have any issues for a long time....
She already knew though. She said she knew, but it wasn't anything in me or the way I acted, she said she just knew.
We talked more about things back and forth.
She even said at one point, "If that's what you need....". How many men would take that blank check and run with it? I emphatically told her know, it's not a need, and it's the exact opposite of what I need. I know full well the damage and harm that stuff does and the negative impact it's had on me and my relationship with my wife. Even the horrible impact it's had on my ability to be fully fulfilled and satisfied with my wife.
You'd think that would have been it for the night, but honestly we even had sex.
I never could climax though. The shame was too much I guess, even though I wasn't really feeling it per se. I knew it was there, but not like in the past when I got caught with something.
This is a thorn I need out.