Hey Rachel,

I can relate to what you are saying. Some days I feel a lot of hope, and some days I just want to pack my car and drive away. To stay of to go is a very hard question and one that only you can answer.
In my head I think what if it was me? What if was my H, would I want my partner to leave? What if someday I get injured and am in a wheelchair or become very ill and need care, would I want H to leave me? Well no I wouldn't and if he did it would break my heart. Personally my vows were in sickness and in health and I see my H as being sick mentally, because of his abuse. Now that's not to say I will put up with anything if he beat me or had affairs I would consider our vows broken but everyone is different. What is the last straw for one person is not for another and it's a very personal decision.
I know how painful it is. A lot of the time I feel like my H doesn't even love me. I know he cares about me but I just don't see how you can be so cruel to someone that you love. He never says anything nice to me, unless I ask him to. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions doesn't want to see how much he hurts others. I feel a lot of the time like he is a defiant 14 year old. Therapy is helping me focus more on myself little by little. It is helping me not put so much weight on his actions. I felt like you did for a long time. Thinking that HE needed to be the one in that chair not me. But the truth is that after 5 years of this stuff I have been traumatized too, I have a lot of anger and pain inside that is hurting me by not letting it go. It sounds like maybe you do as well. And after all you have been through with this you deserve support and place to vent and clear you mind. I think this is what therapy can offer you. I know it is helping me a lot. Just wanted to share my experience.
Everything comes from within