I'm faced with a lot of different thoughts today. Yesterday was a bad day.
He was very frustrated at work, things have been strained around here (he wants to go ahead and work on the relationship and I feel its more important for he and I to focus on ourselves as individuals for a while) and I threw a halt on some intimacy.
I'd have gotten the same reaction if I had thrown a bucket of ice water on an old hen.
I knew as soon as it happened what his reaction would be. I knew he was going to be upset, because I didn't give in to his wants. One of us has to be the voice of reason, and I didn't feel it would be beneficial to our situation. And he was.
He ended up angry, upset, frustrated, and then walked out of his job. He says its because there is no future there, and while I agree there isn't a very bright one, I don't think he should've acted on that impulse and just walked away. Rather than state his position and do what was responsible (he does have a child that he pays support for, and he does have responsibilities to attend to) he gave into the impulse of just walking away.
There was a lot of talk about how he wants to go to NY now, and will be within the week. I can't say that I won't be relieved on some level. This has been one roller coaster of ride, and I need a breather.
I have told him flat that he now has no choice. He either has to get treatment or the alternative is him just leaving. I am glad he is wanting to go to treatment. I only hope that he does do this and can get some help. Its heart breaking.
In the meantime, I feel like I am in limbo. My stomach has been torn apart for days, and I have to go to work later and I just don't know if I can tolerate it tonight. I don't know if I can deal with a bunch of demanding drunks right now. At least, not without losing my temper. And I don't like doing that. My job seems simple, but when you are already having alot of mental stress and emotional, and someone, even in fun, thinks they are being funny, says something just a shade off, it can really throw a wrench in everything. Top that off with the fact that I have PCOS, (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and it sometimes messes with my mood and state of mind anyway. Throw in all this mess and I am not real stable right now. I feel a moment away from tears, all the time.
I feel like that everything is just being held together by a thread right now. About to crumble. Now I am going to have to find a way to pay the bills, which I would have had to do anyway, when he left for NY. Its all just a little overwhelming.
Rachel, thank you for posting to me. Even though it really sucks that we are all here, we can at least be a support for each other. You're not alone. I am not alone.